Helping your children deal with the changes
Most people experience stress when change occurs. Even positive changes such as job promotions and moves can be stressful. During a separation/divorce, children face numerous changes in a short period of time. You can help by:
- identifying the changes ahead of time and discussing them honestly
- providing opportunities for your children to have input in planning for some of the changes
- minimizing unnecessary changes, including discipline and behaviour standards
When dealing with the unknown, our imaginations can create all kinds of worst-case scenarios and worries. By anticipating and discussing what the future will bring, you can help your children adjust to the changes. You may find it helpful to review the list of potential changes listed on the Teens section of Familieschange.ca. You and your children will also be able to identify additional changes that are specific to your situation.
Many of the changes brought about by divorce and separation are out of your children’s control. Anything you can do to reduce feelings of powerlessness can make adjustment easier. When possible, let them have some input and choice. For example, if there are two or three choices of visitation schedules that could work for both parents, let the children decide which would suit them best.
Wherever possible, routine activities such as sports, lessons, and clubs should continue. It is also more important than ever to be reliable and dependable. Keep any promises you make to your children, and be careful not to make promises that you will not be able to carry out.
It will be tempting to relax your normal discipline and rules to help ease your children through this difficult time. However, changing your household rules will cause anxiety for your children. They appreciate the limits you set, even though they continually test them. It is also counterproductive to shower the children with extra spending money, shopping trips, or other treats. Your unconditional love and patience is what will get them through this transition.
Finally, just as your children need to look after their health and continue their routines, this is not a time for you to neglect yourself. Continue to pursue activities that help you deal with stress, such as exercising or going for coffee with friends.
Next: Identifying Feelings
